Jupiter's Lament
by Rebecca the Great
Summary: Two years after Endless Waltz, Relena and Heero are engaged. All is happy in the land of Sanq until Heero suddenly disappears, and Relena must deal with the loss. (R+1)


  
  
TITLE: Jupiter's Lament  
AUTHOR: Rebecca the Great  
RATING: ???  
FEEDBACK: Yes, please! I treasure any and all C&C! bek240@yahoo.com  
  
  
NOTES: This is sort of a sequel to my fic "Bodies" which can be found in the SDDI list archives or my Fanfiction.net account. Actually, this takes place before, during, and after "Bodies" and is told from Relena's POV.  
  
People kept telling me after "Bodies" that Relena's character was one-dimensional and stuff. Well, it was. ^^;; But you have to take it for what it was. Most of what we saw of Relena was just from Duo's perspective, and he doesn't particularly care for her. Also, Heero didn't really know her, despite living with her for 2 years. I tried to make Heero bring out the better sides of Relena because he obviously admires her. Apparently I failed. ^^;;  
  
So! I'm going to try and fix that error in this fic. Yeah! -_-;; Or something like that...  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing. I make no money from this. I also don't own the song "Jupiter's Lament" which is by The Smashing Pumpkins and was on the "Tonight Tonight" single.  
  
//Lyrics//  
  
  
  
  
Jupiter's Lament  
  
  
  
  
//Gone long gone  
Blink and I'll be gone gone gone  
Leave this world of wrong wrong wrong  
Leave it far behind//  
  
  
  
Relena sighed with relief as she walked into the house. Perhaps 'house' wasn't the right word for it; it was much too large and decadent to be a mere 'house.' However, since it was her home, Relena always thought of it as her house. As she walked from the door to the sweeping banister staircase, she loosened the ruffled tie of her ceremonial suit. Her advisors all insisted she wear to formal occasions, she herself found the outfit stuffy and a bother.  
  
* Finally done! * she thought with another deep, refreshing sigh. After a week of non-stop press-conferences, document signings, debates, and PR speeches, she was ready for the three-day rest Lady Une had promised. Though she'd probably worry for half of it, it would be good to relax in Heero's company.  
  
Ah, Heero. A soft smile graced her lips, the first genuine smile she'd given all day. It made her look much younger and happier. She always ~felt~ younger and happier around Heero. Maybe it was the way Heero seemed so much more mature, more in-control than she felt. He was her strong, silent guardian.  
  
Although... maybe he was ~too~ quiet sometimes. Relena's smiled turned sad. How little Heero had changed since the war. He was still aloof, though in private he'd be slightly more inviting towards physical nearness. She recalled an evening just last week when she and he had watched the sunset from the back patio, sitting side by side on a cushioned bench swing. She'd scooted nearer to him and leaned on his shoulder. And then, surprises of surprised, he'd put his arm around her.   
  
That thought brought her smile back, stronger than before.  
  
* So he's quiet. So I don't know a whole lot about him. At least I know he cares for me. Would he agree to marry me if he didn't? *   
  
It was with a light heart that she finally reached the room she and Heero shared. She entered, knowing Heero wouldn't be there. Usually at this time of day, he'd be out by the stables riding the thoroughbred stallion she'd gotten him on the anniversary of the day he moved in. That, or he'd be swimming laps like an Olympic athlete in the pool, or out riding his motorcycle. That particular hobby worried Relena, though she knew it was silly. It would be so easy for him to lose his balance for a moment and crash and die. But whenever these fears reared their ugly head, she'd beat them back with the knowledge that Heero was far too experienced to ever let that happen.   
  
Besides, even if he ~did~ crash, he'd probably gimp all the way home by himself and then tell her that he was just ~fine~ and could she get him a board so he could make a splint?  
  
Relena chuckled a little at that thought and undressed, throwing her stiff brocade jacket and trousers on the neatly-made bed she and Heero shared. Not that they ever ~did~ anything in bed - well, nothing past some kissing. That almost wiped the smile off her face entirely. She didn't know why everyone thought that women in high places are cold in bed. She'd heard rumors about Une, Noin, and Sally all being frigid lovers, but she didn't believe them. After all, people probably thought the same about ~her~, if they didn't think she was too innocent.  
  
The truth was, she very frustrated. No matter how hard she tried to make Heero desire her - to get him to make to even ~second base~ for crying out loud! - there was no sex life. Heero had the libido of seaweed. Never ~once~ in the course of their relationship had he initiated a kiss. The boldest he'd been was when he put his arm around her shoulders a week ago. It was enough to make her want to scream.  
  
* But * she reminded herself, * I knew it wouldn't be easy getting him to open up. I knew that the learned behavior of sixteen years of a harsh life which I don't even know about wouldn't be changed in a short time. Still... you'd think he'd make a move sooner or later...*  
  
She slipped into a comfy pair of jeans and one of Heero's t-shirts - such liberties made her feel closer to him - and then she went off to look for her fiancee.  
  
Heero wasn't at the stables, and according to the stablehand he hadn't been there all day. Not perturbed, Relena went to the pool, but he wasn't there either. His motorcycle ~was~ gone from the garage, though, so she knew where he was. Well, more or less anyway. He'd be back by nine or ten at the latest.  
  
She went back inside the house and into the kitchen, where she got herself a wine cooler and made a sandwich. Sofie, the chef, had the day off today, otherwise Relena would have gotten slapped on the wrist by a wooden spoon and chased from the room until a delicious meal was prepared. In truth, Relena didn't mind making her own supper, and sometimes found it quite relaxing. But most of the time, she was too tired to try and cook ~anything~, which was why she had a chef in the first place. Heero didn't seem to care either way; he ate just about anything set before him.  
  
Relena ate in blessed silence, a relief after all the shouting of reporters and dignitaries she'd put up with during the day. When she was done, she put the dishes in the dishwasher and took her wine cooler into the library. It was a smaller room, lined from wall to wall with bookshelves filled with books of varying ages. There was a fireplace in one wall, and three large bay windows in another. The setting sun sent slanted orange rays, making the whole room warm and homey. Smiling, Relena picked up her book - a dog-eared copy of a mystery novel - and plopped down in the overstuffed, leather armchair.  
  
At about nine, she finished the book. She looked at the clock on the mantle as she yawned widely. She was entirely too comfortable here; if she stayed, she'd be sure to fall asleep before Heero came back. She reluctantly got up, stretched, and went back to her bedroom, where she changed into a pink satin nightgown that slid around her soft skin sweetly. She loved the feel of satin; maybe she was a hedonist, just a little, deep down.  
  
Relena climbed into bed, laying on her side to look at the empty space beside her that Heero would fill when he came home. This way, she'd wake up whenever he did return. She dozed off, but woke with a start. She'd dreamt she'd been falling, which she hated. Whenever Heero wasn't there beside her, she slept terribly. She supposed she really should try to separate herself from him at least a ~little~. After all, even though she wanted to take him with her on the trips her job required of her, he couldn't go every time.   
  
Then the red digital light of her alarm clock caught her eye. It was a quarter to midnight. Heero wasn't in bed yet.  
  
* It's silly, really, * she thought, even as she got out of bed. * He's probably fine. Probably just out late for fun. But still...*  
  
In her rush, she tripped over a shoe she'd left on the floor and had to grab her nightstand to keep her balance. It didn't help. Both she and the nightstand toppled over. Her lamp, alarm clock, and various trinkets went flying.   
  
"God, what an idiot," she murmured to herself as she got up. She crossed ~carefully~ to the door and turned on the overhead light. Then she quickly righted her nightstand, got her bathrobe from the closet, and dashed out of the room.  
  
And, completely unnoticed, a slim golden engagement band settled on the carpet behind the nightstand.  
  
  
  
//And although my secret's gone,  
I'll try to carry on  
If I must I'll get along  
Without you//  
  
  
  
A frantic five hours later, Relena was convinced Heero was gone. No one on the grounds had seen him all day. The Preventers rushed in as soon as she called and checked the roads surrounding Relena's mansion for miles in all directions. There were no signs of a crash, no reports of one from anywhere in the surrounding countryside. The young woman clutched at her mug of coffee with shaking hands, her eyes brimming. Lady Une looked on with compassion from across the kitchen table. All the other personnel had been sent to a different room until the questioning was over.  
  
"Relena-sama," the Preventers Chief said gently. "You know I hate to ask you questions when you're in this condition, but it is necessary to get all the details."  
  
"I understand," Relena replied, surprised at how steady her voice was. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"First, was Heero acting oddly when you last saw him? Did he do or say anything out of the ordinary?" Une asked.  
  
Relena shook her head, recalling. She'd hugged him goodbye and kissed his cheek before she left for work yesterday morning. Heero had stood there and said "Goodbye. Have a good day at work." A normal morning.  
  
"You're sure? Did he leave a note or anything to say where he was going?"  
  
"No, nothing. Nothing," she said, racking her brain to make sure. "I'm certain."  
  
Une sighed. "You realize, Relena-sama, that this case is highly bizarre. We know he left of his own accord. There would have been some evidence of a struggle, otherwise. We have no idea who could kidnap Heero. Until someone starts making demands, we'll have no idea where to go or what to do."  
  
"When do you suppose we'll get demands?" Relena asked anxiously. She'd give them anything they wanted, even if it meant abdicating her post as Foreign Minister. She wanted Heero back. Already her heart ached in her chest, she missed him so much.  
  
"Any time now. If we're dealing with your typical kidnappers, they were probably waiting until we missed him and got worked up. But... Relena-sama..." Une trailed off, obviously uncomfortable with what she was going to say next.  
  
"What is it?" Relena asked, a hint of razor in her tone. She didn't want people pussy-footing around her for fear she'd crack under the pressure. She'd weathered more political intrigues than one could shake a stick at; she'd get through this. Or at least, that what she told herself.  
  
"Relena, Heero has disappeared without a trace before. Maybe he did this on purpose," Une said. "If so, we can bet he won't be easy to find."  
  
"But... Why would he do that? We're going to be married in a few months," Relena asked, more to herself than to Une. She felt lost and uncertain. Would Heero really leave her? Would he? Why would he have come here at all, then? No, he had to have been kidnaped, or he was hurt or... dead...   
  
The tears spilled over. Une was suddenly at her side, and had a comforting arm around her. Relena was glad of it and leaned into the other woman's shoulder, sobbing like a child. After a few minutes, she got a hold of herself.  
  
"If he ~has~ left on purpose," Une said with infinite gentleness, still holding Relena's shoulders, "then there is a slim chance the other gundam pilots know. We should contact them."  
  
"I'll do it," Relena heard herself say. She could feel Une's surprise. "I'll go insane if I don't help ~somehow~. Besides, maybe the pilots will open up to me more than to a Preventer. Please, let me do this."  
  
Une hesitated. "All right," she agreed at last. "But let a Preventer monitor the conversations you have with each."  
  
"Okay," Relena agreed. There wasn't much else she could do.  
  
  
  
//Gone long gone  
Leave this world of wrong wrong wrong  
Beyond the pale beyond the dawn  
Flee these mortal bonds//  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry, Relena-sama," Quatre said with sympathetic and mournful blue eyes. The sleep had been washed away after the first few sentences of their conversation, but Relena still felt guilty about waking the young man in the middle of the night, colony-time. "I wish there was something I could do to help."  
  
"No, Quatre, it's all right. It's not your problem," she told him, exhaustedly rubbing her eyes. "Do you know how I can reach Trowa Barton? Maybe he could help."  
  
To her surprise, this innocent-seeming question made Quatre blush deeply. "Ah... actually..."  
  
"What is it?" Relena asked worriedly. If Quatre didn't know Trowa's number, she didn't know how she'd get it. Une had told her that there was no phone number on the Preventers' list that correlated to Trowa's name.  
  
Then the picture on the phone screen swivelled to show Trowa's face and the tops of his bare shoulders. His hair was mussed from sleep, but still fell over one eye in trademark mysterious Barton style. Relena felt her eyes get wide. She'd been able to gather from when Quatre first answered that they were communicating on his bedroom phone. That meant -  
  
"Well... Trowa's here," Quatre said in the background, sounding very embarrassed.  
  
"What do you want to know?" Trowa asked, unperturbed and cool as ever.  
  
"Well... um..." Relena fumbled for words, a blush heating her own face. She hadn't meant to intrude on their privacy. But she found her voice quickly; after all, she had her loved one to find and, as a diplomat, was nothing if not skilled in hiding her surprise long enough to get things accomplished. "Did you hear everything I explained to Quatre?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Have you heard from Heero at all? Has he contacted you in any way?"   
  
"No."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I see."  
  
"...."  
  
Relena started to feel like she was having a conversation with Heero, which made tears threaten again. But before she could begin to cry, the phone screen swivelled back to Quatre, who was still blushing.  
  
"We'll put some men on the look out for any sign of Heero," he promised earnestly. "I ~am~ sorry, Relena-sama. I wish we could help you more, but-"  
  
"No, Quatre, don't apologize. I appreciate your help," she said. "I'll let you get back to sleep. Thank you, and good night."  
  
"Good night, Relena-sama," Quatre said.  
  
Relena hung up. Tears sprung up and trickled down her cheeks, and she laid her face down on her arms on the table. 'Why?' she wanted to scream. 'Why why why why? Why us, why now?' She had a thousand questions and no answers.   
  
But she didn't allow herself to be weak for long. She'd killed two birds with one stone when she'd called Quatre, and Wufei was a Preventer himself, so he didn't need to be questioned. That left just one, Duo Maxwell. She didn't know him very well, but from what she'd gathered from conversations with Quatre and Heero, Duo was a fun idiot kind of guy. How he ever got to pilot a gundam with a personality like that, Relena couldn't begin to guess. Still, Heero mentioned him once in a while like they had been friends during the war.  
  
She wearily glanced down at the print out of Duo's phone number and numbly dialed, hardly daring to hope. The phone rang so many times, she doubted anyone would pick up. The American was probably gone. She was about to hang up when finally the screen lit up.   
  
"H'llo?" a sleep-gravelly voice grunted. It came from an attractive but pissed-looking young man in a tank top, his hair pulled back in a braid that had many flyaways sticking out of it.  
  
"Duo Maxwell?" Relena asked cautiously.  
  
"Hai... hey," Duo said, blinking his eyes and rubbing them. Then, in shock, "R-Relena Peacecraft?!"  
  
"Yes, it's me," Relena said, "It's important that I talk to you - "  
  
"What're ~you~ calling ~me~ for?" Duo interrupted, sounding supremely irritated. "I don't work for the Preventers, so don't think I can do anything for you. Besides, it's three-fifty-five a.m.!"  
  
"I'm very sorry for waking you, Maxwell-san," Relena said, but couldn't keep the annoyance from her voice as she frowned. Why wouldn't he just be quiet and let her explain? This was important. "But there's a problem with Heero -"  
  
"Heero? What about Heero?" Duo suddenly looked alert. This only made her more annoyed.  
  
"He's missing and -"  
  
"Missing?! What? I thought he was living with you!"  
  
"He ~was~!" Relena snapped, her temper frayed by hours of worry and frustration. "But he's missing ~now~! I need to know if he contacted you at all in the past few weeks."  
  
Duo solemnly shook his head, looking shocked again. "Not heard a peep from Heero since the Mariemeia incident. What happened?"  
  
"Heero is gone," she said crossly. Really, for a pilot he was being rather thick. "He never came home last night. He could be hurt or kidnaped or... or..."  
  
* I will not cry. I did not cry in front of Quatre, I will not cry in front of this stranger. * she told herself.  
  
In the pause, Duo said not unkindly, "I'll help."  
  
Relena sniffled once, staring at the screen with surprise. "Help?"  
  
"Look for him, of course. I'll come down to earth A.S.A.P. Have Wufei ready to greet me," Duo said. "He can brief me about stuff."  
  
"A-all right," Relena agreed, too much surprised to do anything else. "Goodbye, Maxwe-"  
  
But the American had already hung up.  
  
  
  
//No one knows I can't be wrong  
Still I sing the same old song  
I tried to be strong  
For you//  
  
  
  
One week and a day. Eight days altogether. God, it hurt so much. There was a gaping hole in her life, in her heart. His presence was missing from her home; that ineffable Heero-ness that she could feel whenever he was near was absent. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't eat, and only did so when an aide or Lady Une remembered to make her. Even then she could only nibble at her food.  
  
She didn't want to face the masses, not like this. She knew she looked like hell, gaunt with exhaustion and worry. Even her freshly pressed and starched formal attire couldn't make her feel armored enough to confront the horde of staring eyes. She wished the Paparazzi would leave her alone. Even the legitimate media was getting invasive and pushy. Finally they had a romance novel brought to life to report, which viewers and readers all found more interesting than the rights of colony workers and the intricate balancing act between power structures that constituted the World Sphere Unified Nation.  
  
Lady Une stood on the stage, giving the welcoming speech and stating the rules for the press conference. A few flashbulbs went off, the photographers warming up. Watching from a wing, Relena felt queasy. Aboriginal cultures maintained that to take a picture of someone was tantamount to stealing that person's soul. Right now, she found that easy to believe. With Heero gone, it felt like her soul would be easy to take, unweighted as it was.  
  
"-without further ado, I give you Foreign Minister Darlian," Une said, and Relena felt her legs move woodenly onstage.  
  
Flashes went wild, camera crews perked up, and Relena stepped up to the podium. Her throat felt so dry and quiet as she began the memorized statement. Words fell from her lips like so many meaningless pebbles in a churning ocean. But slowly, the iron determination she'd become famous for resurfaced, and she managed to say the most important part of the speech with feeling.  
  
"Even though there is no sign of my fiancee, I am determined to find him," she said, blinking back tears. "Whoever has kidnaped him will be brought to justice. The search for him will continue until we have either found him or found conclusive evidence of his - his death."  
  
Here she had to stop; her throat was getting tight again. She paused for nearly half a minute before she finally regained her composure.  
  
"I would like to thank everyone for being so supportive in this time of need," Relena managed to say in a reasonable normal voice. "The Preventers especially deserve my gratitude. Without their tireless assistance, I couldn't have made it this far.  
  
"That is all. I will answer no questions at this time. Thank you all," she concluded with uncharacteristic abruptness. Technically, she was supposed to let them cajole her into a few quick questions, but she knew she had to get out of there before she had a complete breakdown. She walked hurriedly offstage to where Une stood waiting with another familiar face.  
  
"N-Noin!" Relena gasped, pausing in her rush.  
  
"Relena," Noin said softly, stepping forward and embracing the younger woman in a sisterly hug. "How are you holding up?"  
  
"I'm doing fine," she lied, knowing that Noin wouldn't believe her for a second.  
  
"Don't tell me that when you look like you haven't eaten for a week," Noin said, but she was only half joking. "Come on and get changed. I'm taking you out for lunch right away."  
  
"I don't know if I should - " Relena began to say, but Une interrupted smoothly.  
  
"We can take care of everything here, Foreign Minister. We will notify you immediately if we find anything of import," the brunette said briskly. Then her demeanor softened. "Relena, you need a rest. I know how hard this is for you. Please, go with Noin."  
  
Relena bit her lip and hesitated. She knew that she was probably more of a hindrance than a help to the Preventers at her house looking for clues, and Lady Une probably had more important matters to attend to than to play nursemaid. She suddenly felt guilty for wanting to be so involved in the investigation, but she couldn't help it. She needed to know what happened to her beloved. Still... they had a point. She was so tense and tired. And now that Noin had mentioned lunch, she was hungry.  
  
"All right," she agreed at last. The other two women signed in relief.  
  
  
  
//Why have you left me  
Amongst the tall trees?  
I know I gave her all I had//  
  
  
  
Noin took her to a fancy Thai restaurant with private booths. The "lunch" turned into two-hour crying session despite Relena's best efforts to stop this from happening. Noin was just too kind and sympathetic, and they'd been friends for so long that the younger woman couldn't hold back. After she finally composed herself, they went for a long walk on the grounds of Relena's home and talked for hours. Relena was reminded of the fact that Noin and Une both had gone through the grief of losing the men they loved after the war. Never before had she appreciated the horrible pain they'd undergone. Now that she could, she wished she couldn't.  
  
When they went inside at last, they were both desperately thirsty. Relena suggested wine coolers. They were, after all, almost gone, and she didn't feel like drinking alone.  
  
"I don't know about that," Noin said disapprovingly. "You don't want to drown your sorrows in alcohol. Trust me, it isn't half as satisfying as people make it out to be."  
  
Relena's back straightened. "I just though it'd be a nice treat."  
  
"Uh-huh, I'm sure," Noin replied skeptically. "How 'bout we both just have some water?"  
  
So that was how the evening passed. They ate sandwiches in the kitchen, then migrated up to the library, which had become Relena's sanctuary in the past few days. The bedroom held too many memories for her to even lay down on the bed without bursting into messy tears. So she began to sleep in her comfy armchair beside her fireplace, wrapped in a blanket that was the color of Heero's eyes.  
  
"Noin," Relena began sometime around eleven, "when you thought my brother was dead, how did you... how did you go on?"  
  
Noin hesitated. "I'm not quite sure. I'm not sure I actually believed he was dead. You could say that I never got out of denial. But... to be completely honest, I thought that even if he was alive, I'd never see him again. He didn't want to be found and reminded of his life before. That hurt. A lot. Because I was a part of his life, and he didn't want anything to do with me. Well, maybe he ~wanted~ to, but he didn't let himself."  
  
"Do you think... Heero..." Relena trailed off, her throat thickening. No, her mind denied. No. Things had been going so ~well~. He'd finally been opening up; remember the night on the bench? Remember? He wouldn't want to forget her like that. he ~wouldn't~.  
  
Noin rose from her chair and came to Relena's side. She knelt in front of her and leaned forward to hug her. Relena returned the grip tightly, and to her shame felt tears spill yet again. "I'm sorry -"  
  
"Don't be," Noin cut her off. "Cry all you need to. Even queens need to let their guard down once in a while."  
  
That remark stung even though that wasn't what Noin had intended, but she did her best to ignore it. As she wept, Noin rocked her gently, rubbing her back and occasionally murmuring comforting words. Relena felt drained, wrung out. Her emotional responses were too shot to register anything but the blank cold emptiness in her heart. She felt like someone had ripped half her soul away, and now what was left just flapped forlornly like a ragged flag in the wind.  
  
Finally, after what seemed like hours, she was too tired to weep any longer. Noin laid her back gently in the chair and covered her with the blanket, tucking her in with all the care of a mother. She even kissed her forehead.  
  
"Get some sleep, Relena. I'll be right in this other chair if you want to talk. Don't be afraid to wake me up," she said. But Relena caught her hand before she could walk away. Noin looked down at her with mixed concern and affection in her eyes.  
  
"Thank you, Noi- Lucretia. Thank you," Relena said, mustering a watery smile. "Thank you for putting up with me."  
  
"It's no problem. I wanted to help," Noin said.  
  
Relena was sure she said more, but she was already asleep and didn't hear it.  
  
  
  
//And I tied her heart in ribbons  
I tied her heart in ribbons  
I tied her heart in ribbons and bows//  
  
  
  
Unfortunately, the exhausted sleep wasn't near long enough. Relena stirred before the sky outside the window had begun to lighten. Noin's slow, deep breathing filled the room. Rather than disturb her sleeping friend, Relena rose silently and tiptoed into the hall. As if in a dream, she glided her way to her bedroom door and went inside. She turned on the overhead light, flooding the night with brightness that burned her retinas. She barely flinched.   
  
She padded over to the closet and opened it. A wall of Heero's unique scent flowed down upon her. She breathed deeply, then took the nearest piece of Heero's clothing - a black tanktop - and buried her face in it. She'd insisted after everything had been searched for clues that everything be returned to her. She hadn't actually checked to see if her orders had been carried out. Slowly, she took everything of Heero's out of the closet and put in on the bed. Suits he'd only worn once each, jeans and t-shirts and tanktops that he'd practically lived in, even socks and underwear - she smiled sadly, remembering how he never left them lying around the room. So considerate.  
  
Then came a few personal belongings. An OZ mobile suit manual, which contained a pressed flower that Heero had never explained. A bolt from Wing Zero that Quatre had insisted Heero keep. A crumpled but now framed picture of all the gundam pilots at a table in the cafeteria on Peacemillion - Duo and Trowa were playing chess while the other three watched with varying shades of interest. She set these all on the bed.  
  
Again, she went to the closet. This time, she reached up to the top shelf and pulled out the teddy bear Heero had given her. She wrapped her arms around it as tightly as she could. The only thing Heero had ever given her. Between the end of the war and the Mariemeia incident, she'd slept with it in her bed. After having held him in her arms while he slept for two years, the stuffed toy was hardly a substitute.  
  
Relena realized something then. It was meaningless. All of it. All his things, all the things that reminded her of him, everything he ever did was meaningless now because ~he wasn't here.~ He was ~gone,~ and everything she had here was just ~junk.~  
  
Suddenly, irrational and irrepressible anger welled up in her. She hurled the bear across the room. It bounced off the wall with a sharp tap as one of it's glass eyes shattered. Not really knowing what she was doing, she leapt onto the bed and began to throw all of Heero's things around. She tore his shirts. She broke the picture frame with her bare hands. She threw the book into the full-length mirror. It crashed into a thousand pieces.  
  
She still wasn't satisfied, though. She wanted to destroy. She wanted to hurt the world like how ~she~ hurt. She realized that she was sobbing hysterically, but that didn't stop her. She knocked over her dresser, hearing the antique wood crack and break. She smashed her lamp against the wall and repeated the action with her alarm clock. Then, losing her temper completely, she picked up her nightstand - it wasn't all ~that~ heavy - and heaved it across the room.  
  
Noin and several servants chose that moment to burst onto the scene. Startled, Relena screamed and staggered backwards, tripped on some torn clothes, and fell to the floor, her head knocking against the wall painfully.  
  
"You all, leave!" Noin commanded the servants. "I'll talk to her! Go!"  
  
Reluctantly, the servants left, eyeing Relena warily. She realized how crazy she must seem and buried her head in her hands as she drew her knees up to her chest. She heard Noin's soft footsteps approach.  
  
"God, I think I'm going insane," she whispered through her tears.   
  
"Relena," Noin said, sitting down beside her, "you're exhausted and emotionally wounded. No one will think the less of you."  
  
"I don't care anymore what anyone thinks of me. I just want him back. Don't you understand?" Relena snapped, then bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I just... I -"  
  
"I know. I know," Noin told her.  
  
  
  
//And I'm gone  
Oh yes I'm gone//  
  
  
  
The next day, the servants were all sworn to secrecy and new furniture was ordered. However, Relena would not let anyone into her room to clean it up. She wanted to do it herself; it was humiliating enough that they'd seen her make the mess. It would be even more humiliating to force someone else to take care of it. Besides, she wanted to be sure some things were preserved.  
  
So, after bidding good-bye to Noin - the older woman had to get back to Mars as soon as possible - Relena got several garbage bags and tied her hair back in a ponytail before she went back into the room to begin to pick up. She ended up trashing most of the clothes, and swept up the broken glass from the mirror and picture frame. She salvaged the picture and the book with it's flower, even the bolt, which she found under her overturned dresser.  
  
But as she was setting her nightstand back in place, she noticed a golden glimmer half-hidden by a shred of tank-top. She set the nightstand down and bent to pick it up. When the cloth fell away, she realized with a sinking horror in the pit of her stomach what it was.  
  
Heero's engagement ring.  
  
It must have been there the entire time. Heero had never taken it off before, not even to sleep. The portents of this sank in. Heero had ~left~ her, and she'd been so blind and stupid, too wrapped up in her dreamworld to realize that the simplest answer was correct. Heero left her. He didn't love her. Two years of bliss to her, but what had they been to Heero? Suffocating and boring, topped off by being forced into a relationship with someone he didn't love, probably had never cared much for at all.  
  
She spent the rest of the day sobbing brokenly until she fell asleep curled in the bed that had been theirs but now was only hers. She never felt more alone.  
  
  
  
//And I'm lost without you  
I'm lost within you//  
  
  
  
She told Une the next day, almost too shamed and humiliated to speak. Une stared at her from across the kitchen table for a moment, expression unreadable. Finally, she spoke.  
  
"You know, Heero has gone through a lot of trouble to make sure we can't find him. Almost as if he was wiped off the face of the earth. Or dead," she said. Relena looked on miserably, too weakened to even ask what she was getting at. Une gave her a compassionate look and put a hand over hers. "Maybe... we should give him what he wants."  
  
"What do you mean?" Relena asked dully.  
  
Une smiled sadly and explained. At first, the idea seemed too far-fetched to ever be believed. But, gradually, it began to make more and more sense. A hint of strength glimmered in her heart. Yes, it whispered, yes. This is right. This is the right thing to do. This is what he wants. You can't have him anymore, but you can still help him.  
  
Of course, the cool, selfish part of her mind realized what this really was. Une was giving her a way out of an embarrassing situation. What would the public think of a Foreign Minister who works the Preventers ragged to find a fiancé who hadn't been kidnaped but had ~left~ of his own will? Still... it would help Heero...  
  
"All right," she agreed.  
  
  
  
  
The next day, a press conference was called. Relena walked onto the stage without being introduced. This entire speech had been orchestrated to shock the audience, and it was successful from the start. No polite acknowledgements, no introduction of any kind, and just bare, cold facts and harsh grief. The latter came easily enough to her.  
  
"The body of my fiancé, Heero Yuy, was found this morning at 3;24 a.m." she said aloud, facing the T.V. cameras with brimming eyes.   
  
A huge collective gasp came up from the crowd. Relena pressed her lips together to keep from smiling grimly. She paused, as if struggling to find her voice, which she - in truth - was, but not for the reason they thought. Perverse laughter at how easily this plan would work was why she didn't trust herself to speak. Finally, she went on.   
  
The story was that the Preventers found Heero's body and wrecked motorcycle at the bottom of a cliff not too far from Relena's home. They hadn't searched there before because there wasn't a road to the apex of the cliff, which was where he must have plummeted from. Heero always ~had~ had suicidal tendencies that were made light of in the media. It was not too much of a stretch of the imagination to believe he'd actually done himself in.   
  
Of course, that was only the official story. Certain high-ranking Preventers - Wufei, Sally, Noin, and Zechs had all volunteered immediately - would still search for Heero. Relena had almost commanded them not to. Almost. She didn't, though, because... she needed to see him again. Just ~once~ more. She needed to ask him "Why?" and to apologize, whatever that would mean to him. Then she could let herself rest. But not until then.  
  
After the press conference, after she'd finally gotten all the Preventers out of her house, she walked numbly up to her room - her lonely, empty room - and pulled Heero's text book, bolt, and picture out from the closet again. She put them all in a backpack and went to the stable, where the stablehand saddled the horse Heero loved to ride. He'd named it Chestnut because it was.  
  
She rode for about an hour before she reached the top of the cliff. A thermal updraft ruffled her hair. She dismounted and patted Chestnut's neck. The stallion whickered and was still, waiting for her. She walked to the very edge and sat down before she opened the backpack. She first drew out the bolt and cast it as far as she could. She couldn't even hear it land.  
  
The picture was next. This she let the wind take, and it swirled up and away. She didn't see where it went after that.  
  
The book she cast over the side negligently - after she'd taken the flower out, of course. This she held to her nose. Its aged petals held no trace of scent. Still, she hesitated. This simple flower had been precious to Heero and he'd never explained why. She'd always meant to ask, but she had felt certain he wouldn't tell her. And yet, precious as it was, he'd left it behind, along with all his other memories, all the things he didn't want or need any longer.  
  
A hot tear splashed on her hand.   
  
She loosed her grip, and the wind snatched the wisp of plant up.  
  
"Good bye, Heero," she whispered.  
  
  
  
//And I'm gone  
(So long)  
Long Gone//  
  
  
  
END  
  



End file.
